Chesapeake, VA—Determined to save their college-aged offspring from Papal hellfire, Charles “Chuck” and Rebekah Wolfe have gotten really serious about mocking their children’s traditional Protestantism, which is pretty much the same thing as Roman Catholicism. Stephanie and Amy, their two daughters, left their nondenominational roots and started attending more liturgically-oriented Protestant congregations during their freshman year of college. They are now avowed converts to Anglicanism and Lutheranism, respectively.
Distressed by this development, Mr. and Mrs. Wolfe leaped into action. “We started with the hard-hitting questions first, like ‘Do you worship the Virgin Mary?’, ‘Are you going to become a nun?’, ‘Do you all answer to the pope?’, and ‘Are you just doing this so that you can drink alcohol?’” Rebekah recounted. “After we revealed our well-informed religious awareness and appreciation of magisterial Protestant orthodoxy, we then started making extra efforts to make Catholicism even more unpalatable.” She added, “We made sure to monopolize the Protestant Reformation as finding its logical and truest manifestation in the Second Great Awakening.” “If we relegate all churches that practice infant baptism and affirm the real presence of Christ in the Lord’s Supper as Catholic, Stephanie and Amy should get the message,” advised the concerned evangelical mother.
“George Whitfield and the Wesley Brothers were okay, I guess,” Chuck observed, “But I’d much rather have the Baptist and Pentecostal expressions of the Christian faith to be understood as the uncontested ideal to which all of Christian history has been oriented.” The old ecclesiastical titles, structures, and phrases have also been a bone of contention among the Wolfes. “I know that ‘FATHER’ Rob visited my daughter [Stephanie] as she was hospitalized in the middle of the night,” Mrs. Wolfe said, referencing the rector of St. Dunstan’s Anglican Church, “But I know he’s simply seeking honor and earthly glory out of pride and a corrupted Gospel.”
After attending her daughter Amy’s Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod congregation, Rebekah declared “I just know that using incense and wearing vestments can only distract from the Gospel. I’m pretty sure it’s just a bunch of works-righteousness.” “I suppose it is a bit different these days, but historic Christian worship is supposed to illustrate and celebrate the fact that the church is now the Temple of Christ,” Pastor Hans Stauffer replied after preaching his sermon on salvation by grace through faith alone, “These historic forms have been the way that millions of Christians have heard God’s Word, celebrated His sacraments, and praised His holy name for generations, including periods of intense persecution.” “As I said before, just like the Roman Catholics. When Jesus held the first campfire sing along, this [liturgy] is not what He had in mind,” Mrs. Wolfe grumbled.
“I like the reverence and awe expressed in Prayer Book worship,” Stephanie declared, “And I appreciate that the clergy are held accountable to outside authorities like bishops and the 39 Articles of Religion.” “To be honest, I was just tired of repeating the same contemporary worship songs again and again. I really like singing hymns,” Amy revealed. “I guess I should be glad that Stephanie and Amy haven’t abandoned the faith in college like all of their friends from their entertainment-based youth group, but I just don’t trust a worship service that isn’t dependent upon screen projectors,” Mr. Wolfe exclaimed in reply. Mrs. Wolfe chimed in: “I just can’t take a pastor without a Hawaiian floral shirt seriously. What are they thinking with those clerical collars?”
“Traditionalism kills faith, so it’s important that we maintain and preserve the seeker-sensitive way of doing things,” Chuck concluded.
Mr. and Mrs. Wolfe were last seen shifting uncomfortably at the wording of historic Lutheran and Anglican formularies that contained imprecations against the Pope as Anti-Christ.